Red XIII Hits Puberty
by Carbuncle
Summary: Red XIII is set to grow up and starts puberty. Anyone who has ever gone through puberty should be able to identify with this. BTW, this is crude... very very crude. It includes a song parody too, sung by Bugenhagen and Red XIII.


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Red XIII Hits Puberty  
  
(open to 7th Heaven. Cloud is asleep in the basement. Barrett and Tifa walk in)  
Tifa: Wake up, Cloud!  
Cloud: (wakes up) Huh? Wha?  
Barrett: Phew, what the hell's that stench?! Smells like someone died down here!  
Cloud: Um...  
(everyone looks to their left to see Aeris's body laid out on the floor. It has become rotten and is infested with flies and maggots)  
Tifa: Ewww! Cloud, I told you to clean that up! Why haven't you cleaned that up?!  
Barrett: Me and Tifa were jus' goin' over to Cosmo Canyon for a while. We thought you might wanna come.  
Cloud: Aw, how cute!  
Tifa: Yeah, well... You've been stuck down here in the basement for days now. You've become isolated and weird... like Vincent.  
  
(cut to the Shin-Ra Mansion in Nibelheim. Vincent is alone in the basement. He sobs)  
  
(cut back to 7th Heaven)  
Cloud: You're right, Tifa. I've had some emotional problems.  
Barrett: You're tellin' me!  
  
(cut to Cosmo Canyon. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa arrive outside Bugenhagen's observatory)  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hooo! Hello everyone!  
Cloud: Hi. Is Red XIII home?  
Bugenhagen: Oh, he's just been a little... sick. Maybe you three can cheer him up. He's inside on the couch.  
Barrett: On the couch?  
  
(cut to the observatory. Red XIII is sitting on the couch swinging his flamable tail around. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa walk in)  
Cloud: Yo, what's up, Red XIII?  
Red XIII: (sigh) Hello Cloud and co.  
Tifa: Are you all right, Red XIII?  
Red XIII: I... (stares at Tifa) Yum! (love hearts appear above his head) Come to papa!  
Tifa: Excuse me?  
Red XIII: Uh...  
Cloud: He's flipped.  
Barrett: Whoa, man! You're actin' way too strange! I'm goin' outside.  
  
(cut to the Cosmo Bonfire. Bugenhagen is there. Barrett approaches)  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hooo! Did you speak with Nanaki?  
Barrett: Sure did. The guy's gone insane.  
Bugenhagen: Excuse me?  
Barrett: Kept goin' on 'bout his papa or somethin'.  
Bugenhagen: Yes. Nanaki certainly does love his dead father.  
Barrett: Whatever.  
  
(cut to the observatory, later that night. Red XIII and Bugenhagen are sitting on the couch together)  
Red XIII: Grandpa? Can I ask you a question?  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hooo! Yes, you may!  
Red XIII: You know how my friend Cloud has... matured?  
Bugenhagen: Yes.  
Red XIII: And my friend Barrett has matured? And my friend Tifa has matured?  
Bugenhagen: Yes. (they stare at each other for a long time) What's your question, Nanaki?  
Red XIII: Darn! When will I mature?!  
Bugenhagen: Oh...  
Red XIII: I want to know when I'll get to be like my friends.  
Bugenhagen: Oh... um... well, you see, Nanaki... You'll mature when the time is right.  
Red XIII: When will that be?!  
Bugenhagen: I don't know for sure. Probably soon, I guess.  
Red XIII: I feel so small when I'm around my friends. They're all fully fledged adults, yet I am still a child. It isn't fair.  
Bugenhagen: Nanaki, let me tell you about a period in a young persons' life called... puberty.  
Red XIII: Puberty? What the heck is puberty?  
Bugenhagen: Puberty, Nanaki, is what a person goes through as they become an adult.  
Red XIII: An adult?  
Bugenhagen: Yes.  
Red XIII: So... when does this puberty thing begin?  
Bugenhagen: In a human it can happen when they reach 12/13 years old, although nowadays children are hitting puberty much younger than they used to.  
Red XIII: But when will *I* hit puberty, Grandpa?  
Bugenhagen: In your species puberty should hit when you are about... 50.  
Red XIII: Hey! I turn 50 years old next week!  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hooo! I know! Your friends and I have prepared a surprise party to mark the occassion!  
Red XIII: Really?!  
Bugenhagen: Yes.  
Red XIII: Wow! A surprise party! I never expected one of those!  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hooo!  
  
(cut to the Cosmo Bonfire, a week later. Red XIII and all his friends and relatives have gathered at the bonfire)  
Bugenhagen: Happy Birthday, Nanaki!  
Red XIII: Thank you, Grandpa.  
Cloud: Hey Red XIII. The gang and I pulled together and got you this. (hands him a present) We hope you like it.  
(Red XIII opens the present and pulls out a ball of string)  
Red XIII: Wow... um, thank you, everyone.  
Tifa: No problem, Red XIII. Happy Birthday.  
(Red XIII smiles at Tifa. He then pictures her naked with a few choice leaves around her private bits)  
Barrett: (interrupting Red XIII's fantasy) Yo Bugenhagen! Who's that guy over there? I got the strangest feelin' I've seen him before.  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho hooo! That is Seto, Nanaki's father. We brought him up here to help celebrate Nanaki's 50th birthday.  
Barrett: I see.  
Red XIII: I cannot thank you all enough for the party.  
Cloud: Oh, don't mention it, Red XIII.  
Cid: An' the fun's not over yet. I'm takin' ya for a ride in Tiny Bronco later.  
Red XIII: I do not deserve friends like you. You truly are the greatest friends in the world.  
Tifa: Aw.. hey, everyone. Three cheers for the birthday boy.  
Red XIII: Boy?! I'm officially an adult now, right Grandpa?  
Bugenhagen: Ho ho-huh?! What are you talking about, young Nanaki?  
Red XIII: "Young Nanaki?" (laughs) Yes, that is a good one, Grandpa.  
Bugenhagen: ...  
Cloud: Wow. So... you're, uh, an adult now, huh Red XIII?  
Red XIII: Yes. That is correct, Cloud.  
Cloud: Then let me be the first to say welcome to the club. Do you want a beer or somethin'?  
Red XIII: I would not mind, no.  
Cloud: Lemme get it for ya.  
Bugenhagen: (stopping him) Um, you don't have to do that, Cloud.  
Cloud: Hey, it's no bother. The little guy's entitled to an alcoholic beverage on his passage to adulthood.  
Bugenhagen: (nervous laugh) Yes, well, technically Nanaki is not quite an adult yet...  
Red XIII: (embarrassed) Grandpa!  
Bugenhagen: What?  
Red XIII: Y-You said that once I had turned 50 I would become an adult.  
Bugenhagen: (nervous laugh) No Nanaki, what I meant was you would 'hit puberty' when you were 'about' 50 years old...  
(everyone at the party starts to mumble)  
Cloud: He hasn't even hit puberty yet?  
Tifa: Oh dear...  
Yuffie: Ha ha!!  
Cid: Poor poor guy...  
Red XIII: (quietly) Grandpa, you're embarrassing me!  
Bugenhagen: I'm sorry, Nanaki. I only speak the truth.  
Yuffie: So, you haven't even been through puberty, huh? That's pretty sad, man!  
Red XIII: I-I HAVE been through puberty, haven't I Grandpa?! (stares at Bugenhagen) Tell them!  
Bugenhagen: I cannot tell a lie. Nanaki has not yet gone through puberty.  
(everyone at the party seems embarrassed. Red XIII lowers his head in shame)  
  
(cut to the observatory. Red XIII and Bugenhagen walk in)  
Bugenhagen: That certainly was a nice party, wasn't it?  
Red XIII: ...  
Bugenhagen: Oh, please do not be like that, Nanaki.  
Red XIII: Be like what?! Grandpa, you totally embarrassed me out there! Now all my friends think I'm a loser!  
Bugenhagen: No they don't! Stop being so melodramatic!  
Red XIII: How could you tell them all those things?!  
Bugenhagen: Nanaki, you will hit puberty when you are good and ready, and not before.  
Red XIII: Argh! I'm going to my room! GOOD NIGHT!!  
(he storms off out of the room)  
Bugenhagen: Oy...  
  
(cut to Red XIII's room. He lies down in his bed of straw and sheds a tear)  
  
(cut to the observatory, the next morning. Bugenhagen is making breakfast. Red XIII runs into the room)  
Bugenhagen: Good morning, Nanaki. I made your favourite breakfast treat - bacon and eggs with a side dish of salad.  
Red XIII: Grandpa!! Grandpa!! Guess what?!?!  
Bugenhagen: What? What happened?  
Red XIII: Look!! Look at my face!! Look at it!!  
Bugenhagen: What? Hold still. (tries to look at Red XIII who is jumping up and down with excitement) Oh my goodness! Little yellow spots!  
Red XIII: Acne!! I've got acne, Grandpa!! You know what this means?!?!  
Bugenhagen: Yes. It means your face is going to hurt like heck for the next seven years.  
Red XIII: No!! It means I've hit puberty!!  
Bugenhagen: Really?  
Red XIII: Yes!! I read all about it from one of your books last night!! When you hit puberty your skin develops these darn yellow spots full of blood and pus!!  
Bugenhagen: Please don't say pus.  
Red XIII: Zits, spots, pimples and skin blemishes!! I love them!! It feels so good to have hit puberty!! I'm so excited!!  
Bugenhagen: You're in for a long and hard journey, Nanaki. (sarcastically) I hope you're happy now.  
  
(cut to the bathroom. Red XIII pops one of his zits. Yellow pus splashes onto the mirror)  
Red XIII: Ew... (pops another one) Ew... (pops another one) Ew... (pops another one) Ew...  
  
(cut to Red XIII's bedroom. Red XIII is asleep. He mumbles in his sleep)  
Red XIII: Mmm.. Mmm, oh yes... Tifa... Aeris... Mmm... (wakes up with a start) What's that?!?! Feels (pause) wet... (looks down at his pile of straw) Uh oh!!  
  
(cut to the observatory. Bugenhagen is sitting on the couch. Red XIII runs in)  
Red XIII: Grandpa!! Grandpa!!  
Bugenhagen: Nanaki, what's wrong?  
Red XIII: Grandpa, I have some news to report!!  
Bugenhagen: Yes?  
Red XIII: (giggles) I found hair where there was no hair before!!  
Bugenhagen: WHAT?!  
Red XIII: Yeah!! Isn't it cool?!?! A whole bunch of new hair has grown!! And there's more - my testicles have dropped!!  
Bugenhagen: Nanaki?!  
Red XIII: Also, my penis has enlarged another extra 2 inches since yesterday!! Isn't that just amazing?!?!  
Bugenhagen: ...Congratulations.  
Red XIII: Although I still don't feel like an adult just yet...  
Bugenhagen: ...Nanaki, let me sing you a little song.  
Red XIII: Huh?!?!  
Bugenhagen: ...A little song all about puberty. Listen to me.  
Red XIII: Okay.  
Bugenhagen: #Everything that lives on earth, goes through puberty some day  
And that's how your body changes, each and every way  
Just look at your penis now, then check back in three months time  
It'll change because of puberty, and now I'll tell you why  
The spots emerge from your skin, which are popped by your own hands  
Notice big changes in your body, like pubic hair and glands  
And your face may need a shave soon, 'cause you'll look too hairy  
You may want to masturbate, which'll make you feel all clean  
And when you first jack off with that liquid inside, sperm will come out to say hello with pride  
Your testicles will drop like a rock from high ground, so they can make you feel like a grown up at last  
It's the zits on your face, the semen in your balls  
That comes out through your penis, and becomes a pool of goo  
The goo is all white and sticky, which is perfect for new creation  
To make babies for the world, and start all over again!#  
Red XIII: ...  
Bugenhagen: You see, Nanaki, everyone goes through puberty, and its a very special period in a persons' life.  
Red XIII: But when will all that other stuff happen to me? So far I've only had the spots and testicles related stuff.  
Bugenhagen: Just wait and the rest will happen when its time. Puberty is perfectly natural, Nanaki. Just enjoy it, but don't expect everything to happen overnight.  
Red XIII: I think I see now.  
Bugenhagen: ...  
Red XIII: (with a deeper voice) #I'll go through all those stages, in my own due time!#  
Bugenhagen: #Your voice just broke, and now you're almost man!#  
Red XIII: #Yeah, I'm growing up slowly, but I'll be an adult soon!#  
Bugenhagen & Red XIII: #Because that's the way of puberty, it works best during June  
That's the Cycle, the Cycle of Puberty!#  
  
(cut to Nibelheim. Cloud and Tifa are inside Tifa's house)  
Tifa: Would you like a drink, Cloud?  
Cloud: Yeah, and some chocolate cake!  
(Red XIII bursts in)  
Tifa: Oh, hello Red XIII. We weren't expecting you today. How're you feeling?  
Red XIII: I feel great, Tifa. Thanks for asking.  
(Cloud and Tifa stare at him with disbelief)  
Cloud: Oh my God! What happened to your voice?!  
Red XIII: It broke and became deeper. Do you like it?  
Cloud: No.  
Tifa: It certainly makes you sound more manly.  
Red XIII: (with pride) Thank you, Tifa.  
Cloud: Uh... Red XIII?  
Red XIII: Yes?  
Cloud: What's that erect 9 inch black sausage under your belly?  
Red XIII: Huh? (looks between his legs) Yikes! (runs out of the room in embarrassment)  
Cloud: That was... way too weird for me.  
  
(cut to Cosmo Canyon. Bugenhagen is sitting on the couch in the observatory. Red XIII runs in)  
Red XIII: Grandpa! Grandpa!  
Bugenhagen: (sighs) What now, Nanaki?  
Red XIII: I think I've started to feel sexually mature.  
Bugenhagen: Pardon?  
Red XIII: My penis became erect when I looked at a sexy young woman.  
Bugenhagen: Oh boy... I cannot believe our Nanaki is growing up! You've started to notice women now!  
Red XIII: C-Can I tell you a secret, Grandpa?  
Bugenhagen: Of course.  
Red XIII: Sometimes... late at night I-I have these dreams... and...  
Bugenhagen: Yes...?  
Red XIII: These dreams... well, some of them... uh...  
Bugenhagen: Yes...?  
Red XIII: T-They make my, uh, my weiner release this white... white stuff all over the bed...  
Bugenhagen: Oh my! Nanaki, you've just experienced your first wet dream.  
Red XIII: Wet dream?  
Bugenhagen: A wet dream occurs when the build up of sperm inside the penis becomes too great. The penis releases the sperm in order to clean itself out and make more. This usually happens as a result of a wet dream.  
Red XIII: Oh... How can I stop it?  
Bugenhagen: You can prevent these wet dreams by masturbating regularly.  
Red XIII: Masturbating?  
Bugenhagen: Oh, come now, Nanaki! Didn't you listen to my song?! If you masturbate then you will no longer have any wet dreams.  
Red XIII: So how do I do that?  
Bugenhagen: Do what?  
Red XIII: Masturbate?  
Bugenhagen: ...Do I have to teach you everything?! Just grab your knob and pull it a few times!  
Red XIII: Like this? (starts to demonstrate)  
Bugenhagen: No!! Not here!! Do it in private!!  
Red XIII: Okay. I'll go to my room. Thanks for the help, Grandpa.  
(he leaves)  
Bugenhagen: Jeez!  
  
(cut to the bathroom. Bugenhagen pulls some red pubic hair from out of the sink)  
Bugenhagen: Ergh! Nanaki!  
  
(cut to the Cosmo Bonfire. Red XIII is there with some local children)  
Emiko: Wow! You look like a real mature adult now, Nanaki.  
Sephie: Can I touch you?  
Red XIII: Sure.  
(the girl starts to stroke Red XIII's beard)  
Sephie: Ooh... soft!  
Red XIII: (aroused) Mmm... purr Yes...  
(the boy notices that Red XIII's penis has become erect)  
Emiko: What the heck is that under your belly, Nanaki?  
Red XIII: (lost in the pleasure) Mmm... purr purr Oh yes...  
Emiko: Can I touch you too?  
Red XIII: Mmm...  
Emiko: (reaches for Red XIII's penis) Ooh... hard and rough!  
Red XIII: (yelps) Oh yes!  
Bugenhagen: (offscreen) Children, no!  
(Bugenhagen floats down)  
Emiko: Oh, hello Mr. Bugenhagen!  
Bugenhagen: Stop what you are doing immediately!  
Sephie: Is something wrong, Mr. Bugenhagen?  
Bugenhagen: Ergh! Get your hands off Nanaki!  
(Red XIII continues to purr with pleasure)  
Bugenhagen: Can't you see that you are stimulating him?!  
Sephie & Emiko: What?  
Bugenhagen: Argh! Get off him!  
(Bugehagen pulls the children off Red XIII)  
Red XIII: (opens his eyes) Grandpa, I was enjoying that!  
Bugenhagen: Good lord! Children, you must never ever touch Nanaki like that ever again, you hear me?!  
Sephie & Emiko: Okee. (they run off)  
Bugenhagen: And you should know better, Nanaki!  
Red XIII: What did I do wrong?!  
Bugenhagen: You let them... You know?!  
Red XIII: ...  
Bugenhagen: Never mind. Just go to your room.  
  
(cut to Red XIII's room. He is lying in his bed of straw)  
Red XIII: Ah, I've finally reached maturity. It feels so good to be on the same wave length as all the other adults in the village. At last I am complete. (pause) This new voice of mine really sucks though.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END__________  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Secrets...  
-This fanfic originally meant to be about Marlene and her trouble with puberty, but I thought writing a story about a 4-year-old starting puberty seemed a bit stupid, so I changed it to focus on Red XIII instead. I think Red XIII was 48 years old in the game, and that was equal to a 15/16-year-old human.  
-Aeris was meant to be alive through the fic, and eventually get killed by a pubic crazed Red XIII, but was removed from the finished story.  
-Red XIII was originally meant to sell his pubic hair to the children of Cosmo Canyon. It was cut out to be replaced with the children stimulating Red XIII instead.  
-The "Cycle of Puberty" song is a parody of the "Circle of Poo" from an episode of South Park called "A Very Crappy Christmas". The "Circle of Poo" is obviously a parody of the "Circle of Life" from the animated movie "The Lion King". 


End file.
